Wow all this really brought things to the surface for me. Whew. I had no idea until recently that I had been hiding behind that pink ribbon. It was easy to talk about my mom and share until I met someone who had been affected by breast cancer. I found very little ways to offer hope since my story ended with her death. Therefore I would avoid it whenever possible. I know that has hurt people or left them thinking that my cares were not as deep as they had expected. Truly I did not know I was protecting myself all these years. It got to the point where I would avoid all that concerned death or hovered even close to it.
And people know how sensitive I am but they don’t all see “in” me or the “real” me. We often think we have people figured out but chances are there are things that make them who they are but are so deeply buried it takes someone who loves them unconditionally to help them see it too. Jesus has done this for me. He has loved me unconditionally even to the point of things not even I could see.
Behind this pink ribbon, I have found security and a continued protection from my mother that was seemingly stripped from me when I was 11. My father was kind but a bit on the selfish side when it came to satisfying himself over what would have been better for his family. That guilt never left him; I honestly believe that.
At the age of 18 the Lord led me to forgive my dad and assured me once more as He did when I was 7 that my father’s actions did not reflect his true love for me; just like losing my mom did not reflect The Father’s love for me. God had dug deep and secured a spot in my life that would forever tint (not taint) my perspective when it comes to being hurt. I can be hurt, deeply hurt by others and not doubt their love for me, but when you see conditional love you learn to doubt.
Through my mom and my Lord I have learned that people leave and people disappoint but it does need to affect love either way from either party. The problem lies within whether others chose to love you unconditionally. I have felt conditional love no doubt from friends that were in my life for a time and even family. To be honest I have felt conditional love from people whom you would doubt it to come from. OR did I? See so often we have allowed circumstances to cloud our love and perspective.
Too many times in my life I have said to myself, “If only my mom here here.” I guess since the last two years have been quite devastating in ways that only 5 people know, I have begun thinking of her a lot more and saying that same old sentence to myself. “If only my mom were here.” That complete feeling of rejection when you do allow yourself to believe that another’s actions could truly reflect their love or worse yet, when it really does. And when it does you wonder again…”if only my mom were here.” Then I see some people that I have loved have join in the pink parade wearing their ribbons and fighting the good fight. I have not been able to bring myself to participate in the events for breast cancer awareness, call it fear call it selfish. It may be a little of both but I have just not been able to and even I did not know why.
I have even been stumped on writing this, then I watched Love Happens today and it fell afresh upon me. It is hard for me to share when only sharing part of the story. The things I have been going through have disabled me from sharing my ups and downs as well as the Lord’s goodness through it. So my first step is to start from the beginning and share about her and my pink ribbon masquerade.
Did you ever think of protecting yourself as an avenue of hurting others? I guess my avoidance of cancer, namely breast cancer, has hurt others. For this I am truly sorry. It does not help that it translated into avoiding all near the death experiences of others. It also doesn’t help that I was completely oblivious to it. Just as I tell my children I tell myself, “intention isn’t the part for the discussion but the end result is.” If someone ends up hurt, does intention really matter at that point? So for those I have created distance with due to their illness I am truly sorry. I would say, "it isn’t you, it’s me," but really I did not even know it to take the blame. But blame and responsibility are not always co-heirs. Responsibility I can take here.
Just like a choir requires more than a soloist, quite frankly a soloist can’t often find a spot in a choir unless they are willing to take on another role to do so. I have left my voice out of the pink ribbon choir, which in itself is enough to apologize for.
I think this is one of those cases where I have been slowing lowering myself to rock bottom over the years, and now I do see the light at the entrance and I do realize things I have not previously. Likely many of you I have felt pain, deep impossible pain, that I have been helpless and unable to do anything about. I have felt cornered in a role where I had to put aside my feelings for the betterment of others and when you are rock bottom it only takes a little more intensity to take you to a level of emotional unconsciousness. You know that moment where you don’t feel anything? Nothing, nada, zero, zilch, no feelings whatsoever.
Well I found myself near that point. I was overlooking my own pain so as to not cause grief in others and now I am feeling so much it was becoming unbearable. Then I finally saw beyond that pink ribbon. I thank God I have not had anger with Him in regards to those things which have happened but I did begin to feel it on areas where He did not seem to answer my prayer affirmatively. Here He was allowing me once more to go through things I could not do anything about.
All of this has led me full circle into now I what I believe to be the shaping or transforming of my perspective. See all these feelings have welled up from places some of which I did not know existed and have surfaced to where I am now feeling things that I had not fully considered before. I think it is mostly because God doesn’t want us just basing our reality on feelings but taking a healthy Kingdom perspective on it. This all seemed much easier when the road was less traveled.
Now I have to know if facing these emotions full and face to face will make a difference on my 'today'. Well for now I am still working on it and perhaps I may bring myself to the point of being able to participate in a Breast Cancer Awareness event. I do know I don’t want to do it alone and so far no one has ever asked me to join them….so we shall see.
Now I seek friends whom hold the endearing quality of allowing you to be Y-O-U all the time 24/7 and loving you all through it. I seek friends with whom I can break down and not be the strong one for. I seek friends with whom I can share this story in person and not feel like I have continually protect myself. Now I seek friends who will help me wear HER PINK RIBBON on me instead of walking with face hung low behind it. It was so tough being the “little girl who had lost her mom at such a young age” I just wanted to be me.
(side note, I am so ready for So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore!)
more next time...
In His Amazing Love and mine,
