More Than a Ribbon to Me Final

All you have been so kind to journey with me through this story. It was difficult and began to bring out things in me not to mention dealing with daily trials. The glory of it all is how God showed Himself to me then and now. He gave me instant peace with her departure from my life and assured me of His presence then and now.

Yes, circumstances have clouded me at times. Yes, emotions have taken the steering wheel at time or two but all in all I have known and do know that God has been Lord of All. His sovereignty has been undoubtedly the most felt in my life; this is one good side effect of not-so-good circumstances. His providence has been clear to me even on the cloudiest days!

God had reigned supreme and kept this child on the Rock, in the Cleft, in the Tower, and of course in the Sanctuary. His presence has brought many gifts into my life, one of which is perspective. Not that mine has never been skewed or maligned but His presence has brought me usually, quickly, around to His will of seeing things. His ways truly are NOT our ways and His understanding is unfathomable most often.

There have been times where His peace has been so overwhelming to me, but those are different posts for different days and different perspectives. But today, His gentle hands are on my cheeks keeping my eyes on Him and my face seeking His. I think that when God, through Christ, said that the inside of the cup is the most crucial area to be cleaned He meant it. God at this time in my life is digging deep! So much so He has me cleaning out cabinets which no one will ever see so that my thoughts are clear and ears are able to hear.

He is cleaning this inside of this squirrely cup. He is once again assuring that I stay focused on Him to the point that twice people have said it to me in one day. With this said, my Father is taking delight in exposing painful memories and healing the unhealed parts of my life. There is a lovely lady named Annie McRae that sings this song called When He Said Live and I’m telling you I HAVE TO BREATHE AND BOY DO I WANT TO DANCE!

As Ezekiel 16:6 says, “Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood, and as you lay there in your blood I said to you, "Live!" this is the basis of the song which used to send me into tears! Ezekiel 16 deals with our adulterous life and lack of devotion to God. In our home, God has been dealing with a lot and clearing out a lot. Sin and pain aren’t usually fully dealt with until it has infected everyone and flowed into each member life. This is where we are. Each family has had to deal with either pain caused by others, intentional sin, unintentional sin, and the path for healing for all concerned.

So for our family this applies on all aspects, for me it applies with living. I have done been doing much of that lately. Then the other in midst of deep deep pain and sorrow I heard this song again and instead of bawling like a baby I felt breath fill my lungs, my brows lift, and head take a height it had not in years. I was ALIVE! I knew she was in there somewhere!

My mind has a clarity it has not had in years. I actually see where I need to be healed. I am not exactly clear on my path as of yet but if I keep my eyes on Him and stay focused on His light through this storm as I have the others then I will not need to hide behind any ribbon, title, failure, or anything else ever again.

My mom died in August of 1983, my father died in February of 1997, and daily I try to die to myself. This has meant overlooking quite a bit in my life and trying my best to live out Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Actually, Ephesians truly sums up a lot of how we should live, In the Light! Our perspective becomes less cloudy when we Live in the Light. Our pain is less eminent when we Live in the Light. Our sin is less likely to win when we Live in the Light. And Christ is most likely to be seen in us when we Live in the Light!

Ephesians 2:22; And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.

I thank each and everyone of you for your kind comments of encouragement and Light!
Loving Each of You in HIM and HIS LIGHT,

More Than a Ribbon to Me Part 4

Wow all this really brought things to the surface for me. Whew. I had no idea until recently that I had been hiding behind that pink ribbon. It was easy to talk about my mom and share until I met someone who had been affected by breast cancer. I found very little ways to offer hope since my story ended with her death. Therefore I would avoid it whenever possible. I know that has hurt people or left them thinking that my cares were not as deep as they had expected. Truly I did not know I was protecting myself all these years. It got to the point where I would avoid all that concerned death or hovered even close to it.


And people know how sensitive I am but they don’t all see “in” me or the “real” me. We often think we have people figured out but chances are there are things that make them who they are but are so deeply buried it takes someone who loves them unconditionally to help them see it too. Jesus has done this for me. He has loved me unconditionally even to the point of things not even I could see.

Behind this pink ribbon, I have found security and a continued protection from my mother that was seemingly stripped from me when I was 11. My father was kind but a bit on the selfish side when it came to satisfying himself over what would have been better for his family. That guilt never left him; I honestly believe that.

At the age of 18 the Lord led me to forgive my dad and assured me once more as He did when I was 7 that my father’s actions did not reflect his true love for me; just like losing my mom did not reflect The Father’s love for me. God had dug deep and secured a spot in my life that would forever tint (not taint) my perspective when it comes to being hurt. I can be hurt, deeply hurt by others and not doubt their love for me, but when you see conditional love you learn to doubt.

Through my mom and my Lord I have learned that people leave and people disappoint but it does need to affect love either way from either party. The problem lies within whether others chose to love you unconditionally. I have felt conditional love no doubt from friends that were in my life for a time and even family. To be honest I have felt conditional love from people whom you would doubt it to come from. OR did I? See so often we have allowed circumstances to cloud our love and perspective.

Too many times in my life I have said to myself, “If only my mom here here.” I guess since the last two years have been quite devastating in ways that only 5 people know, I have begun thinking of her a lot more and saying that same old sentence to myself. “If only my mom were here.” That complete feeling of rejection when you do allow yourself to believe that another’s actions could truly reflect their love or worse yet, when it really does. And when it does you wonder again…”if only my mom were here.” Then I see some people that I have loved have join in the pink parade wearing their ribbons and fighting the good fight. I have not been able to bring myself to participate in the events for breast cancer awareness, call it fear call it selfish. It may be a little of both but I have just not been able to and even I did not know why.

I have even been stumped on writing this, then I watched Love Happens today and it fell afresh upon me. It is hard for me to share when only sharing part of the story. The things I have been going through have disabled me from sharing my ups and downs as well as the Lord’s goodness through it. So my first step is to start from the beginning and share about her and my pink ribbon masquerade.

Did you ever think of protecting yourself as an avenue of hurting others? I guess my avoidance of cancer, namely breast cancer, has hurt others. For this I am truly sorry. It does not help that it translated into avoiding all near the death experiences of others. It also doesn’t help that I was completely oblivious to it. Just as I tell my children I tell myself, “intention isn’t the part for the discussion but the end result is.” If someone ends up hurt, does intention really matter at that point? So for those I have created distance with due to their illness I am truly sorry. I would say, "it isn’t you, it’s me," but really I did not even know it to take the blame. But blame and responsibility are not always co-heirs. Responsibility I can take here.

Just like a choir requires more than a soloist, quite frankly a soloist can’t often find a spot in a choir unless they are willing to take on another role to do so. I have left my voice out of the pink ribbon choir, which in itself is enough to apologize for.

I think this is one of those cases where I have been slowing lowering myself to rock bottom over the years, and now I do see the light at the entrance and I do realize things I have not previously. Likely many of you I have felt pain, deep impossible pain, that I have been helpless and unable to do anything about. I have felt cornered in a role where I had to put aside my feelings for the betterment of others and when you are rock bottom it only takes a little more intensity to take you to a level of emotional unconsciousness. You know that moment where you don’t feel anything? Nothing, nada, zero, zilch, no feelings whatsoever.

Well I found myself near that point. I was overlooking my own pain so as to not cause grief in others and now I am feeling so much it was becoming unbearable. Then I finally saw beyond that pink ribbon. I thank God I have not had anger with Him in regards to those things which have happened but I did begin to feel it on areas where He did not seem to answer my prayer affirmatively. Here He was allowing me once more to go through things I could not do anything about.

All of this has led me full circle into now I what I believe to be the shaping or transforming of my perspective. See all these feelings have welled up from places some of which I did not know existed and have surfaced to where I am now feeling things that I had not fully considered before. I think it is mostly because God doesn’t want us just basing our reality on feelings but taking a healthy Kingdom perspective on it. This all seemed much easier when the road was less traveled.

Now I have to know if facing these emotions full and face to face will make a difference on my 'today'. Well for now I am still working on it and perhaps I may bring myself to the point of being able to participate in a Breast Cancer Awareness event. I do know I don’t want to do it alone and so far no one has ever asked me to join them….so we shall see.

Now I seek friends whom hold the endearing quality of allowing you to be Y-O-U all the time 24/7 and loving you all through it. I seek friends with whom I can break down and not be the strong one for. I seek friends with whom I can share this story in person and not feel like I have continually protect myself. Now I seek friends who will help me wear HER PINK RIBBON on me instead of walking with face hung low behind it. It was so tough being the “little girl who had lost her mom at such a young age” I just wanted to be me.

(side note, I am so ready for So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore!)

more next time...

In His Amazing Love and mine,

More Than a Ribbon to Me Part 3

I remember hearing my mom cry when I was 10, and being the nosy yet compassionate kid I was, I asked her what was wrong. One day she told me she was afraid no one would ever care or listen. She was only 36 and who would ever want to see her scarred body?! I told her I would look at her scar and I did.


She labored much in her young years but her humor never left. I’ve read her writings from while she was in the hospital that will bring tears of laughter to your eyes. Susie, that’s her name (Martha Sue Satterfield Bone), wrote about chemo being little goblins just “gobbling gobbling up the cancer” that had spread to her precious head. A bright and cheery one was she and down-right-silly too! My aunt told me that when she was in the hospital she laughed out loud because the doctors had told her that her kidneys would kill her before she reached 30 and well “Cancer got her”. I was not supposed to be born because of her kidneys and I also share in that as I had to stop at 2 due to mine.

Allow me to tell you how it began to the best of a 10-year-old girl’s memory. She found a lump on her own, many over the years actually, and with this one she was told to go home and come back in 6 months. During those six months she continued birth control and being a woman with estrogen. The lump grew and spread into her lymph nodes. The end result was devastation of course. Total mastectomy and lymph node removal, a year of chemotherapy but she kept her hair! Then the news came, the chemo was not successful in removing the free floaters from her blood and at some point they will land. When and where was unable to be determined, so she was told to wait it out. Wait we did indeed but not in the way you would think, we packed and moved to Arkansas!

Arkansas brought to us some interesting beginnings. I met my first boyfriend and still the only male that has serenaded me. Oh it was precious! (You must say it like Chonda Pierce – you must!) I became ill right after moving there and had fever with wild imagination enhancement. I still remember what I “saw” coming after us while in my cousins bed. She still rose and cared for me even though this nagging headache had started. Up and down all night caring for her ailing child all the while the wandering cancer had found its resting place. She had struggled with migraines her whole life which is directly related to our kidney condition so she did not give it much thought really. I mean really, who can think when your head is throbbing right?

My aunt and uncle convinced her to go to the doctor and she obeyed. From what I have read of her journaling, she knew. This young beautiful woman was preparing to meet her Savior face to face. The doctors sent her back to Texas and I stayed in Arkansas until the day I returned from church camp. My dad was in the parking lot waiting on me. I remember that frustrating me to no end but now when I look it at I am thrilled. I wanted to stay with my aunt and uncle but knowing people now who wondered why their “_ _ _” never came for them I count myself blessed.

It was urgent and my mom had little time left, so off we went. I don’t remember that trip home…

We arrived in Corpus and I went to see my mom, wow she had NO hair! Chemo never took her hair but since she now had to have radiation they shaved her head. I have more writings of hers where she laughed out loud and on paper for all that money she spent on wigs! She was always laughing! She would have totally related to Nala on Lion King! Truly!

You know she was quite intuitive as well. She had “the talk” with me when I was 9. She asked leading questions and I had more. I do remember that. We were in the car driving down Waldron Road in Flour Bluff, TX. She was giving as well. I would come home as a kid only to find ½ my toys, books, and toys gone. My aunt, her oldest sister, was a fisherwoman galore and would find families living under bridges on Padre Island. She would tell my mom and they would go and try to help the people. Amazing! I sure wish my little eyes had seen some of that for myself. When she was sick we lived with her sister and her brother. He came down from wherever he was living and stayed with us. I remember singing a lot of Patsy Cline and Kitty Wells during that time. Oh let us not forget this is when Michael Martin Murphy had his hit about best friends and the Bellamy Brothers were the top. Willie had hit after hit on the radio and would have sworn that the rock and roll was the devil’s music and NO ONE EVER told me that. Who knows!! I thought country was IT and the only music worth listening to lol!! It was 1982!

The lady behind my ribbon.

More Than a Ribbon to Me, part 2

Ok, truth time! When I hit publish on my blog the tears began to well up in m eyes….I am yet again grateful for Lasik! My husband gave me Lasik for my birthday several years ago and like my little Bogey boy it’s a gift that keeps on giving!

But seriously, that was really hard y’all!! Hitting “publish” meant you would or could be reading straight into my soul and seeing ME, Me, m.e., mu-eee, or me behind that pink ribbon!! I’ve felt bare and exposed before but this was different, it has affected my perspective.

See that pesky word has been echoing in my head lately, perspective, ah what a word it is indeed! This word has the ability to turn your world upside down. And if you put on the filter of the Holy Spirit, you will have to prepare yourself because things are about to change and change big! If you honestly want a real and true perspective ask the Holy Spirit for His eyes, to go before you, be behind you, be all around you, and then as if that isn’t scary enough allow Him to penetrate your mind and invade your deepest thoughts. I’m still not sure if I am ready for all of this but thank you for bearing with me and praying me through! (Philippians 4:8, Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.)

See if there is one thing I know it is that I can be one tough cookie! I can handle just about anything because I know that Jesus is my Rock, the only Rock in my life, and I have not had to “handle” much really unless I put it on myself. ***sigh***

I was filled with peace about my mom’s death and harbored no anger toward God. He told me then as He tells me quite often that I may not understand but He does. I am to just trust Him. (Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight”.)

Yet beyond all of this security and assurance I still don’t know where I went wrong or off course. Why do I run from those words and that ribbon? Has that ribbon been the only thing I was willing to see? I thought it was so great that I could share about my mom without crying! I thought it was a huge step – thought – when I was able to get through 9/22 without feeling down. I thought it was so wonderful that I could share about my mom but then I realized it was only with those who were NOT going through it. It became clear to me when I felt well, there really aren’t words for it, but weird when sitting with a friend whom I knew had little time left on this earth. I could find NO words! None, nada, zero, zilch! Me!! I know I know those who know me would be beggin’ to differ here but trust me I had none. But God was talking all over me, boy was He talking. It still just didn’t make sense to me.

So I was faced with myself! All just me, myself and I. I have been in a huge depression and no one seemed to notice – well not truly “no-one” I love you Michelle!!!. But thank God He made it very clear to me that it was HIS doing so I would hear Him. I have just been through a time where I have felt the most alone I have ever felt in my life, my whole life, and I am an only child whose mom died at 11. And NOW I am lonely!!!??? Go figure!!

But I do see that storm in my rearview mirror! It was much larger than I saw or thought while I was in it! (see linked words for a review on Fearless by Max Lucado. Fear is at play here without a doubt!)

So, I now can’t help but ask myself this question, “what does that all of this have to do with breast cancer, my mom, and loneliness?” The only thing I can figure is this, when I hear the term “breast cancer” I retreat, not to be confused with “retweet” as in to repeat it on the e-side but as in to run the other way, flee. Sometimes it’s a visible physical retreat but mostly it is an internal one that no one sees.

And now I also think it boils down to what I discovered about myself when I read The Noticer by Andy Andrews. We tend to look at our own wounds instead of HIS, at our scars instead of HIS, our loss instead of HIS sacrifice….PERSPECTIVE. And how! (see linked words for a review on  The Noticer by Andy Andrews. Perspective is in need of help here without a doubt!)



Man!!! I have really looked through scar tissue for so long no wonder things are so cloudy right now! God has been removing some of the scar tissue so my sight would get better, be more real, true, excellent, … more Philippians 4:8ish! Most of you know that scar tissue hurts as much as the actual wound some times and other times it is numb. I have met a lady in the last couple of years that had so much scar tissue her doctors were afraid to perform surgery on her because she could bleed to death! Scar tissue is scary stuff! But it does change your perspective and when it is the numb kind, you may not even know it!

That word sounds just like a four-letter-word sometimes, doesn’t it? “Perspective” hmmm! I think what I have here is scar tissue in the form of a ribbon, a big pink beautiful ribbon. My realization is that I have seen that pink ribbon as something to hide behind instead of an avenue of awareness and remembrance. An associate and brave breast cancer survivor once asked me if I was sick of pink because of my mom. I did not really have an answer for her but I do now. No, I’m not. I’ve not even allowed it in enough, close enough, to become sick of it.

See you would think I would have “gotten this” sooner but for some reason there was stumped-central going on in my head, a derailing, an all-stops bulletin was sent out and part of me shut down for much needed remodeling. I think I am beginning to understand it a little bit. I hope so anyway, I really do.

Bring it on! I am ready to be sick of pink! Like never before!!!

more tomorrow....

Love and Hugs,

More than a Ribbon to Me

Behind each and every ribbon you see adorning people all over the world, you discover a legacy of hurt and hope. The hurt that runs so deep even saying the words "Pink Ribbon" causes ripples in one’s soul. But a Hope so assured and secure that not even cancer can rob that woman of what makes her who she is. What is a woman you may ask? I have a little poem that may help you see just how complex we women truly are.

The Soul Behind Every Pink Ribbon

A woman is strong and mighty, some keep things neat and tidy.

A woman is meek and happy, some can be down right sappy.

A woman is afraid and filled with scars, some live their life behind bars.

A woman is peace and bliss, some, if you blink, you will surely miss.

A woman is quiet and mute, some, if you listen close, are quite a hoot.

A woman is bold and forceful, but sweet enough to grasp every morsel.

A woman is careful and glad, when faced with cancer she can sure spell M.A.D.

A woman is fun and full of love, some are as delicate as a dove.

A woman is here and then she is gone, some wear the pink ribbon so her memory can live on!

A woman lives, laughs, and loves, she proudly wears her ribbon to show what she has risen above!

Rachele Posey 1-25-2010



I don’t know why but lately I have really missed my mom more than ever. I think it is because I am 37. A month shy of 37, she died in 1983 of breast cancer at the tender age of 36. Her birthday would have been joyfully celebrated on September 22. She was every bit of what I shared in my poem, although I rarely saw her mad. She may have called herself mad-as-a-hatter a time or two but that is because she knew what really mattered. I think it is the ones, like her, who can laugh in the face of danger that truly live (thank you Disney’s Lion King). My friend’s mom is another; she told me the other day she could laugh or cry and she chose to laugh. Whether you laugh or cry you are more than a ribbon to me!


…more tomorrow!

Much love and prayers,