More Than a Ribbon to Me, part 2

Ok, truth time! When I hit publish on my blog the tears began to well up in m eyes….I am yet again grateful for Lasik! My husband gave me Lasik for my birthday several years ago and like my little Bogey boy it’s a gift that keeps on giving!

But seriously, that was really hard y’all!! Hitting “publish” meant you would or could be reading straight into my soul and seeing ME, Me, m.e., mu-eee, or me behind that pink ribbon!! I’ve felt bare and exposed before but this was different, it has affected my perspective.

See that pesky word has been echoing in my head lately, perspective, ah what a word it is indeed! This word has the ability to turn your world upside down. And if you put on the filter of the Holy Spirit, you will have to prepare yourself because things are about to change and change big! If you honestly want a real and true perspective ask the Holy Spirit for His eyes, to go before you, be behind you, be all around you, and then as if that isn’t scary enough allow Him to penetrate your mind and invade your deepest thoughts. I’m still not sure if I am ready for all of this but thank you for bearing with me and praying me through! (Philippians 4:8, Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.)

See if there is one thing I know it is that I can be one tough cookie! I can handle just about anything because I know that Jesus is my Rock, the only Rock in my life, and I have not had to “handle” much really unless I put it on myself. ***sigh***

I was filled with peace about my mom’s death and harbored no anger toward God. He told me then as He tells me quite often that I may not understand but He does. I am to just trust Him. (Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight”.)

Yet beyond all of this security and assurance I still don’t know where I went wrong or off course. Why do I run from those words and that ribbon? Has that ribbon been the only thing I was willing to see? I thought it was so great that I could share about my mom without crying! I thought it was a huge step – thought – when I was able to get through 9/22 without feeling down. I thought it was so wonderful that I could share about my mom but then I realized it was only with those who were NOT going through it. It became clear to me when I felt well, there really aren’t words for it, but weird when sitting with a friend whom I knew had little time left on this earth. I could find NO words! None, nada, zero, zilch! Me!! I know I know those who know me would be beggin’ to differ here but trust me I had none. But God was talking all over me, boy was He talking. It still just didn’t make sense to me.

So I was faced with myself! All just me, myself and I. I have been in a huge depression and no one seemed to notice – well not truly “no-one” I love you Michelle!!!. But thank God He made it very clear to me that it was HIS doing so I would hear Him. I have just been through a time where I have felt the most alone I have ever felt in my life, my whole life, and I am an only child whose mom died at 11. And NOW I am lonely!!!??? Go figure!!

But I do see that storm in my rearview mirror! It was much larger than I saw or thought while I was in it! (see linked words for a review on Fearless by Max Lucado. Fear is at play here without a doubt!)

So, I now can’t help but ask myself this question, “what does that all of this have to do with breast cancer, my mom, and loneliness?” The only thing I can figure is this, when I hear the term “breast cancer” I retreat, not to be confused with “retweet” as in to repeat it on the e-side but as in to run the other way, flee. Sometimes it’s a visible physical retreat but mostly it is an internal one that no one sees.

And now I also think it boils down to what I discovered about myself when I read The Noticer by Andy Andrews. We tend to look at our own wounds instead of HIS, at our scars instead of HIS, our loss instead of HIS sacrifice….PERSPECTIVE. And how! (see linked words for a review on  The Noticer by Andy Andrews. Perspective is in need of help here without a doubt!)



Man!!! I have really looked through scar tissue for so long no wonder things are so cloudy right now! God has been removing some of the scar tissue so my sight would get better, be more real, true, excellent, … more Philippians 4:8ish! Most of you know that scar tissue hurts as much as the actual wound some times and other times it is numb. I have met a lady in the last couple of years that had so much scar tissue her doctors were afraid to perform surgery on her because she could bleed to death! Scar tissue is scary stuff! But it does change your perspective and when it is the numb kind, you may not even know it!

That word sounds just like a four-letter-word sometimes, doesn’t it? “Perspective” hmmm! I think what I have here is scar tissue in the form of a ribbon, a big pink beautiful ribbon. My realization is that I have seen that pink ribbon as something to hide behind instead of an avenue of awareness and remembrance. An associate and brave breast cancer survivor once asked me if I was sick of pink because of my mom. I did not really have an answer for her but I do now. No, I’m not. I’ve not even allowed it in enough, close enough, to become sick of it.

See you would think I would have “gotten this” sooner but for some reason there was stumped-central going on in my head, a derailing, an all-stops bulletin was sent out and part of me shut down for much needed remodeling. I think I am beginning to understand it a little bit. I hope so anyway, I really do.

Bring it on! I am ready to be sick of pink! Like never before!!!

more tomorrow....

Love and Hugs,